i’m a big kid now
When I was a little kid, I always wanted to be an adult. I might as well have been one the way I bossed people around. Family and friends I grew up with never get tired of telling those stories. I don’t mind though. It helps me realize how much I’ve learned and grown. For a while, I just covered up my strong, determined, occasionally bossy characteristics. I considered them negative. That’s unfortunate because it took away a key part of my personality. Who God made me to be. Now, I’m learning how to balance. Using my determination for good. Trying to be an effective leader. Being strong when someone else might need a shoulder to lean on. It’s something I’m working on and will continue to figure out for the rest of my life.
I always wanted to be an adult. I wanted to be taken seriously and to be included with the knowledgeable. If someone didn’t take me seriously, we had a problem. The angriest I ever became with my parents was when they “wouldn’t listen to me.” Haha. It’s funny to think about it now because when I said, “you’re not listening to me,” it was really just a way for me to have another chance to make up excuses and convince them of my explanation.
And since I knew they knew that… it made me mad. I wanted an upper hand. I wanted to know things they didn’t. My strong will was some times a little too strong. That’s when I would get myself in trouble. My parents joke about me thinking I’m the parent. I certainly acted that way. I talked to them that way some times. Maybe I still do.
It’s amazing the similarities in my Turkish family. Yasemin and I are very much alike but Erim and I share the older sibling qualities. We both seem to have no fear when speaking to our parents. Yasemin has commented that Erim just says whatever he wants while she’s scared to talk back to her parents. That made me think about Evan and how many times I’ve heard him say, “you can’t say that, Lauren!” while we were growing up. The older siblings have no fear. The younger seem to know their place. Of course, it’s different within different families. But my two families share this.
All of this came to mind as I was listening to my music, getting ready for a day in Taksim with some friends. A song came on that I didn’t really like at all. I started thinking about what made me decide that I didn’t like that song. When we’re young, we are copy cats. We hear someone say, “oh I don’t like this song,” and we’re bound to repeat it and await the reaction of others. Some times this happens and a friend says, “well, why don’t you like it?” Suddenly, we realize we don’t have a response to that. “Uh psh I mean, come on, it’s just like stupid and stuff. Ya.” So, we start forming our own opinions. Cause let’s be honest, that was kind of pathetic.
As I was standing in the bathroom, straightening my hair, applying make up, I felt proud of myself for forming my own opinion. It was a feeling of maturity while remembering my impressionable childhood. Becoming my own person. I couldn’t remember anyone expressing their feelings about that song to me. I just didn’t really enjoy listening to it. So I moved on to the next song. A song I had decided was better.
A very random post. Just some thoughts.
